life lessons.

Week 35.

In case you had not noticed, I have two blogs.  One called "come awake" which is for my family and supporters back home.  And this one, which is basically for Aubrey Balk and sometimes Eric Pitts.  ;)  But I don't really mind who reads either one.   I try not to write things I wouldn't tell the average stranger.

At the start of this week, I read a devo out of the book My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I thought that this week's lesson was more appropriate to share on the other blog.  You may go there to read it if you'd like.  :)

But to go along with it, here is another Seryn song for you, called "We Will All be Changed."  It is about life lessons (I think).  "We can shape but can't control these possibilities to grow, weeds amongst the push and pull, waiting on the wind to take us..."

Anyway, here are some pretty flowers I took pictures of on campus this week (since this is a photography blog, and all...)

ritual.

Week 34.

Having only ever really experienced Protestant Christianity, ritual religions seem very foreign.  I confess, I am quite intrigued.  Yes, there are some rituals which I have taken part in... such as the Holy Eucharist, fasting, foot washing and baptism.  And yes, even protestant church services have a certain formula to them that are ritualistic, whether we categorize it that way or not.  But what interests me are rituals that are deeply rooted in holy meaning, and take on such meaning when performed by the devotee.

I think my spiritual experience has lacked this kind of daily, deeply symbolic ritual reminder.

I decided this week to start praying on my knees.  Not every time I pray, of course.  But before I go to sleep each night, I kneel by my bed, like little kids in movies.

It is not that I think God will be impressed by the gesture, or that God will be angry if I forget to kneel or stop altogether.  And I certainly do not think that kneeling will make my prayers more powerful or my heart more righteous.  It is just a reminder for me.  Assuming the literal position of humility and meekness before the Lord, as I seek to bend my heart in the same manner.

I was inspired to take up this new ritual by the song entitled On My Knees by Seryn.  "On my knees, I can see, where my heart, needs to be... when this life, gets to me, I'll be found, on my knees."  And I have been desperate lately to see where my heart needs to be.

And so, on my knees I will be found.

On a (semi-)related note, I visited some Buddhist temples this week.  As a tourist.  It is a religion based almost entirely on performance of ritual.  Every inch of the temple grounds is ornately, intricately, elaborately covered in jewels, stones, and gold.  Here are some photos:

cracks.

Week 33.

I've been feeling a bit cracked lately.  Broken.  Not fully functioning how I was meant to.  BUT.  I am learning that it is okay to be cracked sometimes.  Because that is how the Lord's grace seeps in...

Here are a couple authors who say what I mean better than I can:

"That which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond.  To Him.  To the God whom we endlessly crave."  -One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp

"As I seek to look at the world through the lens of grace, I realize that imperfection is the prerequisite for grace.  Light only gets in through the cracks... our wounds and defects are the very fissures through which grace might pass.  It is our human destiny on earth to be imperfect, incomplete, weak and mortal, and only by accepting that destiny can we escape the force of gravity and receive grace.  Only then can we grow close to God."  -What's So Amazing About Grace?, Philip Yancey

Or, as I recently heard in a sermon, God does not need us to heal our own wounds before we join Him in joyful service.  But it is precisely through joining the Lord in his work that he pours healing over us.  Pours his grace on us.  This has been such a freeing lesson for me to learn.  Because I am supposed to be the one ministering to others.  And I feel so inadequate and incapable to do so, because I still feel so cracked and broken. 

What good news it is that this cracked heart is in the exact right condition to receive grace!

One of my favorite sights in the world is the look of sunlight streaming through green tree leaves.  Of course, the view is improved while swinging a hammock.  It is the reason that green is my favorite color.  This lesson about grace and cracks gives a whole new the beauty of such a scene.  The leaves look like they glow with life, but only because of the light that streams in and around them... through the cracks between the leaves.

Goodness.... oh, that the Lord would make my life so beautiful......

taken at an ancient temple in Ayutthaya, Thailand.

looking up.

Week 32.

"I lift my eyes into the mountains-- where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."  Psalm 121: 1-2

I confess that I do not lift my eyes up to the hills enough...  Sometimes I do.  But sometimes, I am too weak to.  And yet other times, I simply choose not to.

Those are the times that are most scary-- when I choose not to look for the Lord.  When I choose instead to hide my face and pretend that God is not confusing or that I am not afraid of Him.

Gosh, this is hard... looking up, I mean.  For some time now, I have been unwell.  I talk more about it in this blog post on my other blog.  I wrote it nearly a month ago, but I am still struggling now.  Struggling to slowly but surely look up at the One who will save me, and trust Him to do so.

All I can say is, God has BLESSED me with the best friends in the world-- friends who love me so truly, they will bear with and honor me above even themselves.  It is in this fact that I feel the Lord's love for me in this season.

There are not many mountains in Thailand, but there sure are lots of palm trees...

looking up.

Overall,though, this was a good week.  Soul-filling, heart healing.  We had a visitor from America.  And he and I had some looooooong conversations.  His kind listening and wise counsel was exactly what I needed to get back on track.